Wait, what?
by littlesparrowkeet
Summary: In which Sherlock and Loki were married a few years before the Avengers movie, and Sherlock went to whack some sense into Loki in the hellicarrier. Crack. Just pure crack. OOCs, OOC everywhere. I have no idea what I've just written. It's nonsensical; approach with caution. XD One-shot!


_A/N:_ _Alright, I have no idea what I'm writing. I'm blaming the exams, it fried my brains. Here's a crack fic about Loki and Sherlock, cuz why not? They're seriously OOC and the whole thing doesn't make sense; you've been warned XD this had been fun and relaxing to write, hope you guys enjoy this! LOL XD_

 _Oh yeah: Sorry folks, but John is merely Sherlock's acquaintance! They aren't even flatmates in this crack fic._

 _DISCLAIMER: pffft, not mine, obviously._

 _-littlesparrowkeet_

* * *

"This has gone too far. We should just call Loki's husband for assistance."

There was a long pause of silence.

"Thor, what?"

"Loki has a husband?"

"Why didn't we know that?"

Thor furrowed his brows earnestly.

"Director Fury knows," he said.

Fury was pressing his nose bridge tiredly.

"He's just a human, he won't be able to reign Loki in."

The Thunder God paled. "Just a human? Sherlock Holmes is a truly fearsome foe. He's, he's..." Thor shuddered, as though recalling some horrid memory. "He's scary," he whispered as an afterthought.

The rest of the Avengers exchanged wary looks. This Sherlock Holmes was "scary" to Thor, a Norse God? He must be a supervillian or something equally terrifying.

"Would he be a danger to us?" Steve Rogers asked warily.

Thor shook his head. "He does not hurt civilians physically," Thor replied solemnly.

Physically.

There was another pregnant pause, and a third sigh from Fury.

"I'll call Mycroft," he grumbled and dismissed them. The Avengers could hear him mutter, "Hate owing that British snob anything" under his breath as they left the room.

* * *

From Thor's tales of this Sherlock Holmes, they were expecting a towering and burly person, maybe seven foot tall, with horns and eyes of a devil. Who else would have eyeballs in the microwave, or dissect a corpse in the bathroom? (Natasha was actually very impressed and intrigued by this man.)

They were not expecting Sherlock Holmes to be thin, wiry, and very human. Yes, he was tall, and he was a striking and imposing figure as he strolled onto the helicarrier, but he did not look threatening. His sharp eyes took everything in, face impassive, as he stared at Thor and quirked an eyebrow up.

Tony eyed him from afar. "He's Loki's husband? Doesn't look very impressive."

"Do not underestimate him, my friend," Thor warned gravely, "his mind can be as sharp as my brother's." Tony only snorted derisively.

Thor squared his shoulders and took in a deep breath before approaching. "Sherlock Holmes," he greeted.

The man in question inclined his head slightly. "I heard that my husband's been causing you trouble," he said, voice a smooth and deep baritone that was fangirl-worthy.

"Aye, he killed 80 civilians in two days."

Sherlock raised an eyebrow coolly.

"Did he? Do bring me to him."

* * *

Loki's head whipped up as the door banged open and Sherlock stormed towards the cage, coat billowing dramatically behind him.

He blanched slightly.

"Sherlock, what are you you doing here?" Loki took a few small steps back. The rest of the Avengers stared.

"One year, Loki, and this is how you greet me?" Sherlock paced in front of the cage like a panther.

Loki straightened and took a few seconds to regain his cool composure before answering. "I... have been busy."

Sherlock rolled his eyes. "With world domination? Dull." Sherlock flicked his hand dismissively. The avengers felt their jaws drop. Dull? He thought world domination was _dull?_ This guy was truly mad. Then again, anyone who chose to marry Loki was probably crazy.

Loki bristled under the dismissal. "it is not dull! I have to do this, to prove my worth-"

"Really? Goodness, Loki, clearly you've hit your head a little harder than I thought. That's utterly cliche, you sound exactly like those boring villains." Sherlock clicked his tongue disapprovingly. "Here I was, hoping that you would have some creativity." He looked as though someone has told him that Christmas had beeen cancelled.

The Avengers gaped openly. Loki opened his mouth, and promptly shut it.

Sherlock walked closer to the cage, scrutinizing his husband. He exhaled loudly, exasperated. "Who did you piss off again?"

"No one!"

"Loki, for the God of Lies, you're very bad at lying to me."

The God fidgeted minutely. Sherlock knelt down in front of him and stared into his eyes. And sighed.

"Was it Thanos _again?_ Goodness, what is with you always falling for his tricks? Do you secretly have a crush on him?"

His husband sputtered. "No! I do not! He said... he said he'll send someone to kill you!"

Sherlock arched an eyebrow. "He tried that before. In case you've forgotten, husband dearest, I bested Jim Moriarty the previous time. He was interesting and much better than others, but he still couldn't come close to defeating me."

"What if he sends someone even better?" Loki whispered.

Sherlock rolled his eyes. "At least they'll be less dull than what Lestrade always have for me. Alright, now what would you do?"

Loki averted his eyes and muttered under his breath.

"I can't here that, my dear Loki," Sherlock asked sweetly.

"I said I'll try to think of better reasons next time!" He said loudly, flushing.

Sherlock nodded and smiled.

There was a beat of silence.

"What," Tony said eloquently.

Throwing a disgruntled look at the Avengers, Loki continued, "I'll also retreat, and I'll swear by my name to never attack Earth again, if everyone promise to leave Sherlock and me alone."

Steve frowned. "But that's not fair, he should have to face judgement! 80 people-"

"Deal." Thor cut in and agreed seriously.

"Thor, what-"

The door slammed open the second time, this time with Fury striding in, black leather coat also billowing behind him. Loki rolled his eyes at the dramatic display.

"I don't remember you having the authority to make this deal!" Fury growled as he stormed into the room, his one eye glaring suspiciously at Sherlock. Sherlock popped up his collar and sneered at Fury, having the whole holier-than-thou aura. Yes, Natasha decided amusedly, he's perfect for Loki.

Thor turned to Fury, face serious. "Trust me, this is the best deal you'll get. Do not attempt to get in the way of Sherlock, for angering both him and Loki would make this look like child's play."

Sherlock snorted. "I'll take that as a compliment."

Fury gritted his teeth, obviously debating internally.

"I can always withdraw my deal and let the Chitauri invade - oops, have I mentioned that before? I have an army of aliens," Loki said, mock innocently.

Sherlock stared at him flatly. "I want to study their corpses."

"Anything for you, darling."

Banner looked faint; he wished Fury would just agree so that they could get away from this madness. He just hoped the insanity was not contagious. "Just agree," Banner advised, a tinge of green appearing in his eyes.

Fury clenched his jaws, and finally snapped, "Fine! Deal! But you have to release everyone from that mind-spell you place them under too!"

Loki snapped his fingers. "Done. Aliens gone, spells gone, crisis averted. I even returned the Tessaract, blah blah. Can we go now?" He asked in a bored voice.

"Let's, it's getting boring," Sherlock complained.

Loki stretched his hands, and grinned. "Aye, we have some catching up to do," he winked at Sherlock. Sherlock narrowed his eyes at him.

"I'm still mad at you, you made me make a wasted trip here."

Loki twisted on the spot and disappeared, reappearing once again by Sherlock's side.

"I'm sorry dear, let me make it up to you later," Loki almost sounded sincere as he linked arms with Sherlock, ignoring the startled cries of everyone else as they drew their weapons.

Sherlock rolled his eyes. "Fools, he won't attack you, he already gave his word."

"He's the God of Lies!"

Sherlock gave Fury a pitying look that screamed what-a-poor-misinformed-child. "He swore to it, and Loki always honour his word when he swears by his name. He could have killed you imbecile fools earlier, yet he refrained himself from the temptation. What a challenge it must be. Plus, I won't forgive him if he did try anything now."

Sherlock nodded to Loki, promptly ignored Fury. Fury had the feeling that he had just been dismissed. Loki laughed, a little less maniacally this time.

"I'll say 'see you around', Thor, but I really don't want to see your ugly face in, oh, how about a millennia? About the Thanos thing, I'll leave it to your merry band of Superheroes. Ta!" Loki wiggled his fingers, smirked, and then both of them vanished.

The Avengers blinked a few time, and Thor sighed in relief. "Seriously, what just happened?" Steve asked.

"Don't ask, just be grateful we wouldn't have to fight," Natasha grinned wryly. There was a dull thud, a soft 'ow', and the door opened. Clint Barton, face in hand, stood at the doorway. Natasha's face immediately lit up; it was the most expressive face Tony ever had seen Natasha made.

"Nat?" Clint mumbled blearily. "What-"

The Black Widow did not run, she swore, she only walked _extremely quickly_ to Clint. She engulfed him in a hug before shoving him against the door and kissing the life out of him. Clint reciprocated the kiss, equally enthusiastic, as the others very deliberately looked the other way.

Fury covered his face with one hand, and groaned. "How is this my life?" He asked.

Tony shrugged, looking bemused. "Anyways. Shwarma, anyone?"

Thus, the Avengers and Fury and Coulson were seen having shwarma, and they had a silent agreement never to speak of this incident again. Or even think of Loki. Or Sherlock. It would be better for their sanity, they agreed.

As such, the Great Alien Invasion was avoided, with Mycroft forever gloating about the debt Fury owed him, and the Avengers dealing with the Thanos Situation (after a ton of trouble, danger, and fighting - even with Asgard's assistance, it took them years before Thanos was finally disposed of permanently. But they achieved peace. Eventually.)

Sherlock and Loki lived happily ever after in 221B Baker Street, far away from the Avengers, terrorising the Scotland Yard, and storing eyeballs in microwaves.

All was well (enough).

* * *

 _The End!_

 _Om_ _g yeah hope that was alright XDD writren on a whim, guys, don't hate me! :)_

 _To my dear followers, I'll update my Bilbo of the Dragonkin soon - sorry, this story was too tempting to not write XD_

 _Reviews will be great! Love you all!_

 _-littlesparrowkeet_


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